-____-

Today i was told that i was getting skinny, according to what. I look at myself and just see disgusting

Food Diary for today

Breakfast:
Fiber one brownie: 90 calories
coffee with creamer: ~40 calories.
Lunch:
Greek yogurt: 140 calories
 water water water
Dinner: Im not going to eat dinner i think i'll just drink water.

going to the gym for a 20 minute run and do some abs.

Total calories= 270
 going to burn at least 200 at the gym!!!

Something is wrong with me....

Ever since I was younger I was obsessed about my weight. Everything in my life I would second guess because of my weight. I have done the best of hiding it and to this day nobody knows of the things I have put myself through. I use to cut myself... yeah cut MYSELF. It was bad my freshman and sophomore year in high school. I would always wear bracelets to cover my cuts and would always wear sweaters. I hated myself hated my life hated everything. My junior year everything was fine then i started to take hydrocodine. I lost weight and was so happy but then i no longer was supplied with them and gained it all back. I loved being on hydrocodine it made me feel good. I was numb no pain. I no longer cut myself but i did start making myself throw up. It went away and I was glad, but I was unhappy with my body with myself. I was extremely social but my self esteem was so low. I had no confidence in myself. Senior year in high school i was preoccupied with friends that I no longer cared about the cutting or purging it was no where in my mind. Then it started again the cutting it was really hard to hide because the cuts where everywhere. My thighs all over my arms. I got into drinking and i didn't care about anything. Once i started to work out everything seemed fine. I lost a lot of weight and right now I'm at 120 Lbs. I'm still fat. I hate it. I started to throw up again and I feel like that's the only way I can be happy the only way to lose all the weight. Working out and making myself throw up. I have also started to cut back on my eating. I'm thinking of keeping a food diary on here! Make me track what I eat. I'm tired of holding all this in so blogging will help even if no one reads this at least it's out in the open. Tattoos have helped me but i still feel that i look fat. I want to be skinny with tattoos! That's my goal. REACH 115 and I'll be happy.   I'm BULIMIC I suffer from EDNOS. I'm broken I have a disease.  


Stay Beautiful,

-Amee

Tattoo

I'm hoping to get this Shit done quickly!

Things are looking up....

Things are looking up for me! And i love it. I broke up with the boyfriend because I cheated on him with a college guy and my very close best friend who I have had a crush on since my freshman year in high school. The thing is i didnt feel bad about it. It felt right in so many ways. Yes I did love my BF but more like a friend. Im not rushing anything with my crush for the simple fact that with the guys i've been with in this year have wanted only sex. I gave in to one and one only and i was buzzed. The first bf i had this year well that was a drinking relationship meaning that all i ever did with him was drink and make out and sex well that was close but I did not let it happen. The next one well he didint want a relationship with me because (his words) "im not boyfriend material" so all he wanted me for was  literally sex. But that never happened never!! Then there was the 2nd boyfriend I thought that realationship would last forever, but my jealous issue of him being with the mother of his kid really bothered me! I did not like it. I just wanted to be single to be honest because im so tempted everywhere I go. But with my crush it's like every boyfriend i ever had when I'm with him no one else matters I dont know it's wierd.  But i have no intentions on having sex with him because i dont want a just sex relationship with him I want us to be comfortable with him and right now it is. Plus he knows my family and well there is one problem....he's my brothers best friend but well shit happens and we really are thinking a lot about it.


Aside from the "love" life I start school on monday :D. Blogg about that in a bit!

Tattoo Please

Well I got my first one  but im ready for a second one. I have a feeling that when i feel bad or like my life is going to hell that my only solution is getting a tattoo because i feel like the only way i can fix myself express myself is through tattoos. In my head its okay because at least im not cutting myself. It's been at least 5 months since I slipped and began cutting again. Before it was a month. Some of my friends know and well the try to help but there really isnt much they can do...

But my Second tattoo is in the works. And so are the rest. They're all really meaningful there not dumb. That one up there represents my dad. He's been sober for 8 years now. Has not had a drink for 8 years. Thats strong. Every year he gets a coin and on that coin the saying"to thine own self be true" is on there.  Thinking about getting the tree of life to represent my mom. She's my tree of life. Then after that I'll get my anchor with the saying "be the one to guide me but never hold me down" surrounding it. It just reminds me to not be with people who bring me down which i always seem to break. The next ones are small and have to deal with my body my self harm and my childhood.


until the next ,


Stay Beautiful;


Amee,

Hopeless

Lately I feel lonely forgotten insecure... im not happy with anything anymore. I have lost myself yet again. My friends have left. I have come to the realization that no matter how hard I try at friendships and relationships they never seem to work. I cant be with my bf anymore it just doesnt work. Im a guy in every realationship meaning that im the one who ends it im the one who makes up lame excuses as to why i cant be with them anymore.  I cant deal with it anymore. I dont know what to do with myself. I  hate mysself my emotions my body my everything. I wish i was prettier skinnier happier.. Im nothing i will never love myself which means no one can love me. Because if i dont love my self first how can i accept someone to love me.

Fuck MY Life!

stay beautiful


Amee,

Miss my one best friend

I miss her more than the next and more then the other.
I miss going to shows with her. I miss getting drunk with her...
I miss her laugh her smile her beautiful desire to be the best. She's a beautiful soul that lost. I want her back.
We all grow apart we all grow up.

Friends always leave....

Stay Beautiful

Amee, :/

I miss high school everyday of every moment of my life right now. I just turned 18 last week (Tuesday) and I've come to the realization that growing up sucks! There are perks i know they are amazing, but i would give anything t go back to high school start all over again. It may sound really lame to you but I had the best time ever! Sure there were times where I wanted to kill myself (hypothetically speaking) or punch someone!! High School best 4 years of my life so far! So many friends so many memories so many tear so many fights! I regret not enjoying it regret it so much!
Post graduation until now i only talk to 5 friends from high school not including the bf......

Because if i could go back I would.....

I miss:
The Football Games
Soccer games
Spanish Club
Key Club
NHS
Math Club
Newspaper
Yearbook
Tech Theatre
Photography Class
Physics
Walking the Halls like  owned it
Criminal Justice
The Teachers
MY FRIENDS!!

I want to go back!!


Stay Beautiful, Amee

Being in a Realtionship is...

For me it's the hardest thing.
That is all.
Saying anything else would make me look like a slut. hahaha

Stay Beautiful!

Simply Amee!

Getting Back To The Blog!

I gave up on this in January and now im sitting at work thinking why I did. My life is hectic right now. One of my good friends just had a baby and well school starts in September! But before September hits i have a list of to do's:
1. Study for my accuplacer test (which im taking july 27 well possibly hopefully sooner)
2. Turn 18! well this should be 1 but oh well) JULY 24th!!
3. Drivers Liscense!
4. Save up the money!! For an aparment obvi!
5. Apply for a volunteer spot at the childrens hospital


Okay so there is more i just cant
think straight at the moment. But all in all I know how my scheduale will look like ina couple of months! School work volunteer bills bills bills oh and the gym!! cant forget the gym!! Then im trying to find a weekend job maybe reatil.... yes i know im killing myself over here but hey I was never one to be a couch potato!!

Oh cant forget the friends i have to throw in the friends somewhere in there!! oh and homework! fuck homework! I'll actually have to study when i go to college!


Ugh i miss high school! If i could go back I would!

I'll write those feelings in a little bit.
 

Till the next post.... STAY BEAUTIFUL!


Amee :D



ooh getting a tattoo yeah thats the one i was missing!

Chloe

This is Chloe. Chloe was diagnosed with brain cancer last year. She fought for about 6 months. She passed away on December 30,2011. Her birthday is today January 16. She would have been four. Chloe was the smartest,nicest,and probably the prettiest little 3 year old I have ever met. Chloe did not deserve to die she did not deserve to go through all the pain she went through.  Her little brother does not deserve to grow up without his older sister.  Cancer took her away from us. We love her and miss her each and every day that goes on. Chloe deserved to live and make her dreams come true.

House repairs

Okay so today the siblings and I went and did some house work at one of my fathers houses. Let me just say that when doing house work its not a clean task especially if the people that rented your house were disgusting.  So I found out today that I fit under a sink yes a sink. My father gave me the task of painting  under the sink and well the end result was my hair all painted and my work paints became covered in some unusual gunk.  although it was a nasty job and let me say I have to go back for two other weeks because well the house needs some repairs,repairing the house makes me strong as a person because I :learn the so called man work it helps me be independent as a person well got to go eat I have worked up an appetite! (:

Stay beautiful!

New year

Happy new years everyone!!  Welcome 2012! I have my list do you have yours?  I'll post it up later today!  Till then stay beautiful! ( :